Aaaaaah Fuck

It seems success can be fleeting. Im nearly 100% sure that baby Baz (as s/he had lovingly been named) is no longer with us. :-( I started spotting and cramping 4 nights ago....spotting turned into light bleeding and cramping....light bleeding turned into moderate bleeding and cramping....it all went to shit from there....


I had a big shift in my emotions late yesterday afternoon. For the previous three days I felt like I had been clinging, physically and emotionally, to the hope that baby Baz would be ok. I dont think i was breathing properly, I was tense, I was feeling every little thing that happened in my body. Late yesterday afternoon I just let go. I stopped fighting what my body was doing. I just let it do its thing. It is perhaps no coincidence (or maybe it is?? who knows) that not long after I did that the bleeding stepped up a notch.


Im sad, upset but ok. The whole thing has been shitty but I dont feel like I want to bury myself in a black hole or anything. I feel like there were some lessons for me to learn surrounding letting go and just going with what my body needs to do. I also feel like there were some lessons to learn about being patient. Im feeling optimistic and hopeful that I will get pregnant pretty easily next time as well. Dammit I hope so! I just want baby Baz to come back to us as soon as possible. Come back baby Baz, we love you....