Aaaaaah Fuck

It seems success can be fleeting. Im nearly 100% sure that baby Baz (as s/he had lovingly been named) is no longer with us. :-( I started spotting and cramping 4 nights ago....spotting turned into light bleeding and cramping....light bleeding turned into moderate bleeding and cramping....it all went to shit from there....


I had a big shift in my emotions late yesterday afternoon. For the previous three days I felt like I had been clinging, physically and emotionally, to the hope that baby Baz would be ok. I dont think i was breathing properly, I was tense, I was feeling every little thing that happened in my body. Late yesterday afternoon I just let go. I stopped fighting what my body was doing. I just let it do its thing. It is perhaps no coincidence (or maybe it is?? who knows) that not long after I did that the bleeding stepped up a notch.


Im sad, upset but ok. The whole thing has been shitty but I dont feel like I want to bury myself in a black hole or anything. I feel like there were some lessons for me to learn surrounding letting go and just going with what my body needs to do. I also feel like there were some lessons to learn about being patient. Im feeling optimistic and hopeful that I will get pregnant pretty easily next time as well. Dammit I hope so! I just want baby Baz to come back to us as soon as possible. Come back baby Baz, we love you....

Oh. My. Goodness.

It's official. I'm a one hit wonder! :-O One time, first month = success!!


I'm pregnant! My period was due 5 days ago. My boobs are sore. I've been having mild, niggly cramps on and off since a few days after insemination. Oh and I pissed on a stick and it was positive lol I actually "knew" I was pregnant before I pissed on a stick. I really didn't need the stick to tell me what I already knew. Maybe next time I will have the strength to not piss on a stick. ;-)


I'm still in a little bit of shock. I had a niggly feeling it would happen the first month but I had largely dismissed that thought as wishful thinking. I mean seriously who gets pregnant on their first try? When they dont even have sperm on hand in their house? ME :-O


Obviously its still very early days. I'm about 4.5 weeks going by the silly EDD pregnancy charting thingies. So all going well I will be expecting a bub sometime around late April to early May. :-O :-O :-O Still in shock. Lotsa shock.


J has been asking all kinds of questions: "Where will the baby sleep?"..."It wont take my spot in the middle of the bed will it?"..."Will you have to have an operation to get the baby out like Mummy did with me?" :-( "Will you scream when the baby comes out? I dont want you to scream" lol


She has also named the baby(s) lol. Apparently it has to be a girl called Angelina Ballerina and she has to come out with a pink tutu on, a bow on her head and a magic wand. Sigh. I only felt like a bit of a feminist failure over that one. Oh and she thinks it might be twins too. If it is twins they are to be called Angelina Ballerina (surprise surprise) and Rocky. Mmmmkay.


Oh what a fun journey this will be.....