Patience is a virtue....so "they" say....

I cant believe nearly a week has gone by since my last blog! It doesnt seem that long ago. Aaaah well.


So at around 3am (approximately 9hrs after insprogulation) I started cramping. It wasnt bad but it kept me awake for a while. Or maybe what kept me awake was my crazy googling, trying to discover if that was normal. Not having much to do with sperm I wasnt sure but I had a feeling the little swimmers might have been the cause. I was right. Prostaglandins can do that apparently. I was however seriously disturbed to find that the first few google pages relating to "cramping after sex/insemination" related solely to IUI. Bloody medicalisation of pregnancy and birth grrrrr. Anyway the next day I went to a Joyous Birth gathering (I just love living in the birth, babies and boobs bubble) where I continued cramping on my right side for the majority of the morning/early afternoon. My cervical mucus had also exploded that day. All signs (and some strong intuition) led me to believe that I was indeed ovulating (from my right side). Yay *bounce bounce*! I was rapt with the timing of it all. It really couldnt have been better (unless our donor hadnt gone interstate that day and we could've done a second insprogulation, just to make sure). But anyway it all felt right. I spent my time at the JB gathering surrounded by children and earthy birthy folks. I even got two lots of baby vomit on me (thanks baby M) which I considered to be a sign of good luck lol. Rubbing and sniffing her gorgeous little head probably helped too lol.


Since that day I seem to have been aware of every little thing going on in my body. I have had little cramps on some days, not others, and funny little pains that I find hard to explain. I woke up so freaking exhausted today after 11hrs sleep (I was dreaming that I was so tired I was opening my mouth but no words were coming out!). I could put all of this down to the fact that I probably haven't paid this much attention to my bodily movements in the past. Or to the fact that I might have gone into some kind of shock given that sperm would be completely foreign to my body after many, many years of no contact. But I dont want to think its either of those options! I want to think I'm pregnant!! I really really want to think Im pregnant. Did I mention I want to think Im pregnant?? Sigh. Hence the title of this post. I am soooo freakin impatient. I really want....no need to get over this. I want to relax and enjoy this journey. I dont want to be obsessive and crazy about it. I want to trust my body and trust that the universe knows what its doing. All those birth mantras I love so much and read time and time again fit well in this part of the journey too....trust...surrender...relax....Aaah its soothing just reading that back a few times. So this post is largely about reminding myself that I just need to go with the flow....yes be aware of what's happening in my body (which, at the moment, is little weird crampy things on the right side of my uterus) but dont obsess. Trust that what happens is meant to be. That everything is happening just as it should. Whether I am pregnant right now or not. Crap I still hope I am though lol.


I also need to let go of some of the negative shit running through my head. I have occasionally been having pangs of guilt when I think I might actually have been super lucky and managed to get pregnant first try. Guilt over the fact that I know people who have tried for years with no success. Or people who have had success in achieving a pregnancy but they had to go to hell and back to get there. Or people who would dearly love to even be attempting to TTC but have no resources (read: sperm). I have no reason to feel guilty. I know that logically. But still, I sometimes do. Guilt seems to be a feature in my life (thanks mum and dad for all your efforts). I want it to stop though. I want it to stop now. If I want to live a healthy and happy life I need it to stop. So I am working really hard at believing that I do deserve to get pregnant after 1 attempt (even if it doesnt actually happen that way). I want this attitude to flow throughout pregnancy, birth and into parenthood. I want to trust that my body knows exactly what it is doing, like millions of women's bodies before me. I want to trust that I deserve to be pregnant. Trust that I am worthy of carrying, birthing and nurturing a child.


I just need to stop my brain from working overtime, relax, trust my body and enjoy the ride. I will know soon enough if I am actually pregnant....





Hilarious side note (to me anyway) - I just googled "insprogulation" and my blog is the only hit that comes up! Morph your word is rapidly becoming famous! roflmao