Patience is a virtue....so "they" say....

I cant believe nearly a week has gone by since my last blog! It doesnt seem that long ago. Aaaah well.


So at around 3am (approximately 9hrs after insprogulation) I started cramping. It wasnt bad but it kept me awake for a while. Or maybe what kept me awake was my crazy googling, trying to discover if that was normal. Not having much to do with sperm I wasnt sure but I had a feeling the little swimmers might have been the cause. I was right. Prostaglandins can do that apparently. I was however seriously disturbed to find that the first few google pages relating to "cramping after sex/insemination" related solely to IUI. Bloody medicalisation of pregnancy and birth grrrrr. Anyway the next day I went to a Joyous Birth gathering (I just love living in the birth, babies and boobs bubble) where I continued cramping on my right side for the majority of the morning/early afternoon. My cervical mucus had also exploded that day. All signs (and some strong intuition) led me to believe that I was indeed ovulating (from my right side). Yay *bounce bounce*! I was rapt with the timing of it all. It really couldnt have been better (unless our donor hadnt gone interstate that day and we could've done a second insprogulation, just to make sure). But anyway it all felt right. I spent my time at the JB gathering surrounded by children and earthy birthy folks. I even got two lots of baby vomit on me (thanks baby M) which I considered to be a sign of good luck lol. Rubbing and sniffing her gorgeous little head probably helped too lol.


Since that day I seem to have been aware of every little thing going on in my body. I have had little cramps on some days, not others, and funny little pains that I find hard to explain. I woke up so freaking exhausted today after 11hrs sleep (I was dreaming that I was so tired I was opening my mouth but no words were coming out!). I could put all of this down to the fact that I probably haven't paid this much attention to my bodily movements in the past. Or to the fact that I might have gone into some kind of shock given that sperm would be completely foreign to my body after many, many years of no contact. But I dont want to think its either of those options! I want to think I'm pregnant!! I really really want to think Im pregnant. Did I mention I want to think Im pregnant?? Sigh. Hence the title of this post. I am soooo freakin impatient. I really want....no need to get over this. I want to relax and enjoy this journey. I dont want to be obsessive and crazy about it. I want to trust my body and trust that the universe knows what its doing. All those birth mantras I love so much and read time and time again fit well in this part of the journey too....trust...surrender...relax....Aaah its soothing just reading that back a few times. So this post is largely about reminding myself that I just need to go with the flow....yes be aware of what's happening in my body (which, at the moment, is little weird crampy things on the right side of my uterus) but dont obsess. Trust that what happens is meant to be. That everything is happening just as it should. Whether I am pregnant right now or not. Crap I still hope I am though lol.


I also need to let go of some of the negative shit running through my head. I have occasionally been having pangs of guilt when I think I might actually have been super lucky and managed to get pregnant first try. Guilt over the fact that I know people who have tried for years with no success. Or people who have had success in achieving a pregnancy but they had to go to hell and back to get there. Or people who would dearly love to even be attempting to TTC but have no resources (read: sperm). I have no reason to feel guilty. I know that logically. But still, I sometimes do. Guilt seems to be a feature in my life (thanks mum and dad for all your efforts). I want it to stop though. I want it to stop now. If I want to live a healthy and happy life I need it to stop. So I am working really hard at believing that I do deserve to get pregnant after 1 attempt (even if it doesnt actually happen that way). I want this attitude to flow throughout pregnancy, birth and into parenthood. I want to trust that my body knows exactly what it is doing, like millions of women's bodies before me. I want to trust that I deserve to be pregnant. Trust that I am worthy of carrying, birthing and nurturing a child.


I just need to stop my brain from working overtime, relax, trust my body and enjoy the ride. I will know soon enough if I am actually pregnant....





Hilarious side note (to me anyway) - I just googled "insprogulation" and my blog is the only hit that comes up! Morph your word is rapidly becoming famous! roflmao

The Deed is Done!

So it happened tonight. It wasnt nearly as awkward as I thought it would be which was nice. Dont get me wrong, there were some awkward moments. On the whole though it was pretty pain free.


We went to his house, made some small talk, put on the kettle and had a cuppa, figured out how to put a dvd on for J (our DD) in the hope she might be distracted enough to not walk in on us lol. Then we gave him the oh so sexy specimen container and he went to his room to do his part. While he was doing that I went into his spare room (which was next door to his room and a little too close for my liking but thankfully I didnt hear a peep lol) and started arranging towels, pillows, blankets, underwear and a cloth mama pad for afterwards. He was bloody quick lol. He started to come into the room while I was lying there with just a blankie over me and I quickly said "aah no can you give it to S (my partner)". He quickly retreated and called out her name to come and receive the goodies. lol She came in a few seconds later with goodies in hand and proceeded to get the needless syringe ready for suck up. After suck up had occurred we had a quick kiss and a tiny bit of touching lol (I was so not in the mood for anything else) and got into position (which by the way was on my back, pillow and many towels under my bum :P). Syringe went in slooooowly and came out sloooowly. No leakage, yay!! Until I changed positions then the ooze started hmmmm lol.


I then spent the next 30 mins lying on my back with my legs in the air, reading a gay boi magazine I had picked up from our donor's lounge room lol. I learnt a lot about a straight porn "star" called Chris Rockwell (or something like that) who does gay movies. Interesting. J came in twice and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was resting. She believed me lol She then tried to jump on the bed which was less than helpful. S managed to persuade her to leave the room with a piggyback. Phew! Eventually it was time to go so I carefully got off the bed (making sure to not leave a trail on his luffly bedspread lol) and got dressed again. I went back down to the kitchen where they were all waiting and nervously popped my head around the corner. I offered our donor a thank you and told him it just didnt seem enough under the circumstances :P He was very gracious and said it was his pleasure :)

Wooooobloodyhoooooooo Deed Done!


So I've spent most of the rest of the night flexing my pelvic floor muscles and lying down lol Fingers and toes crossed that my all powerful egg and his little swimmers do their jobs! For the first time ever I am in the 2 week wait (well personally anyway - I waited not so patiently with my partner when we were TTC our daughter). Im really hoping I can keep a lid on the excitement/nervousness/excitement/anxiety/excitement. Well.....maybe Im not hoping I can keep a lid on it actually. Im swinging wildly between omg this is soooo going to happen first time to dont be silly it rarely happens the first time. Sigh. Dammit I really do hope it happens the first time!! I want to be one of the lucky ones :P

S-Day!!

Thats Sprog Day for the unedumacated haha

Today is my first attempt at insprogulation *bounce bounce* (it doesnt have the same effect as when I write that on msn, sigh). Im feeling nervous, excited, scared, happy, did I mention nervous? In around 3 hours I will be beginning my first attempt (ever!) at creating a baby inside my tummy :P Sure I have got my partner pregnant but its really different being on the "other side". Of course one of the best things is that this time round it her turn to deal with the stinky sperm hahaha I wash my hands (no pun intended lol) of that role this time :P

So we are going to our donor's house tonight. When our daughter was conceived her donor came to our house, did his thing then left us to it. This time we are going to our donor's house and doing the deed (so to speak lol) in his spare bedroom! I am already feeling awkward about having to look each other in the eye after the insprogulation. We will all know his goodies are up my clacker and thats just.....awkward lol. I have to take a "kit". Included in said kit will be towels, pillows, specimen containers, syringes...its all just soooo romantic lol. But hey, if I can get pregnant it will be soooo worth it! Im (possibly a little too optimistically) hoping I will get pregnant first time lol. What can I say, always the eternal optimist. I just want a babeeeeeeeeeeee!!


Nerves seem to be increasing by the minute. So many things running through my head. How awkward will it be for all of us? Will it happen quick enough that I can lay there for half an hour with my legs in the air (donor has to go out afterwards)? Will our daughter want to help lol? That last one is making me feel a little....awkward....again. lol She is such a curious creature. She asked me yesterday when we could have a baby. I told her we were going to try to make one tomorrow and she said "Oh really?? *squealed* I looove making babies" lol Something tells me she wont be content to sit and watch a dvd while all the action is happening in the other room. Sigh.


Eeeeek all this talking about it is making me more nervous lol Im going to stop there....I will return later with all the gory details lol All fingers, toes and any other body parts crossed :P

First. Blog. Post. Ever!

Im scared and excited all at once! I have put off having a blog for a long long time. It seems everyone who's anyone has one :-P Finally, I bow to peer pressure. I just wasn't convinced I had the time or energy to blog. In hindsight that is really quite a silly excuse. Especially when you consider the many posts I have written on other people's websites lately! Really, if I'm honest, my hesitation at moving into "Bloggerworld" was more to do with my insecurities. Do I really have anything interesting to say on a regular basis? Will I be intelligent enough? What if I look stoopid? Blah blah blah.


So anyway here I am. Ready to blog. I've sucked up my insecurities and I'm just doing it. My loose blog topic is my journey to motherhood for the second time (I say loose as I'm sure I will use creative license to move outside that box on occasion). What makes my story a little different from "the norm" is that we aren't breeders. We don't fall within societies perfect, neat little box that is the nuclear family. My female partner of nearly 1o years and I have had a long, sometimes rough, sometimes easy road to parenthood. Sadly our first daughter's donor will not donate to us again. He has his reasons. We respect them. Sad as it was, albeit for a fleeting moment, to come to the realisation that our children won't share any genetic links.


Even though countless gallons of sperm probably goes wasted every single day, we have had great difficulty finding a man (and his little swimmers) that fit our criteria and our needs (which I will explain in more depth later on). Thankfully in the last couple of months my desperation and sadness has turned to happiness and excitement. We found someone! Yay! Four odd years of searching later....So this blog will be all about detailing our journey to parenthood, my journey as a birth mother for the first time. We already have a 4 year old daughter. She is the light of my life, my partners also. She is an intelligent, thoughtful, creative, beautiful, imaginative and all round delightful young woman. I can only hope that our next babe is just as wonderful and inspiring as she has been to me over the last four years....